possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
