No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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