so that wasnt chicken after all
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
