awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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