I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
