Pants 0. Shit 1.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
