im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
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He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
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Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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