i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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