you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
