just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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