Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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