Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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