Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
