He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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