why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Couch. On fire.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
