Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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