I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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