DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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