someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
