My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
