I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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