Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
