alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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