So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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