I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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