yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
