The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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