I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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