Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
