im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
either way he was missing a nipple.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
