I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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