Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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