My underwear smells like fireworks.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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