Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
