In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
