First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
