I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
