my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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