did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
