so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
