My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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