god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
