Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
