i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
