I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
