I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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