u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
