What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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