I must be too annoying 4 u.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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