Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
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There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
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Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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