One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
