He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
