I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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