Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
