I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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