I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Randomize
