maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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