I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
