I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
