She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize